This post is going to be very intense.
So, brace yourself. Grab a hot or cold drink and find a quite place to read it and take it all in.
I read a lot about the brain, emotions, people and more. I have had the most interesting curve balls thrown at me. Aren’t life and books the best teachers?
Through it all, I think the best teacher that I have had is Grandpa TVS. He told me very complex ideas in such simple ways. I was still a little child. However, I paid closed attention because of his charisma.
I’ll share Grandpa’s stories and ideas with you in the next few months and years.
Here is a couple of ideas…that contradict each other.
Lesson 1. Grandpa TVS said something in Tamil – “Dushtan kanda thoora velagu”. In English it means, when you spot a person who is trouble, move away. When I asked him what that meant and how do I know when to stay and when to flee, he said “You will figure it out as you go.” How brilliant! He didn’t lay out the ideas of what “Dushtan” attributes meant. He figured that my Dharma (RIGHT) will let me spot certain attributes as Adharma (WRONG)….and hence lead me to identify “Dusthan” traits. He also probably knew that life will eventually teach me when to stay and when to flee.
Lesson 2. Grandpa TVS also taught me about the Annam. Annam means swan. He urged me to “Live life like an Annam”. He said that if you mixed water and milk and gave it to an Annam, it would drink only the milk and leave out the water. Well, even during my young days, I had a very inquisitive mind. So, I badgered him with questions about whether he had seen an Annam seperate the milk and water and how the mouth of the Annam worked. He explained to him that it was a metaphor. The moral of the story was – “People are all kinds. When you meet them, give them the benefit of the doubt. Take and enjoy only their good attributes. Ignore their bad attributes.”
Do you see the contradiction between the two lessons he taught me? One says judge…the other lesson says give people the benefit of doubt and see only the goodness and ignore the rest.
After he passed away, I encountered many situations and struggled with many questions. I felt at a loss because I couldn’t ask him for clarifications on the lessons that he had taught me.
Should I ignore bad attributes?
Or, should I run from people who are trouble?
Should I see only the good attributes?
What should I do?
How was I to figure it out?
Anyways, life goes on. So, I learnt slowly and steadily.
I tried several techniques in several random orders.
I value relationships. So, for several years, I stuck with lesson 2 which was “People are all kinds. When you meet them, give them the benefit of the doubt. Take and enjoy only their good attributes. Ignore their bad attributes.”
In many cases that technique worked.
In some cases it didn’t.
I have had the pleasure of meeting the most wonderful souls on this planet.
Those experiences uplifted me.
I have also met the scum of this planet.
Those experiences scarred me and taught me several lessons.
My tolerance level is very high.
So, I tried to stick to it and tried my best to look past the faults and see only the good.
But, that kindness is often overlooked.
Then, I reached a point where I couldn’t do it anymore.
Slowly, I realized that most people don’t change.
It takes a rare soul to be cognizant of life and grow through challenges.
So, with most people, what you see is what you get.
Well, not what you see in one interaction.
But, what you see over several interactions.
Let me give you ridiculously simple examples.
Let us assume that you notice that a person runs late consistently. Now, “running late” is not part of your Dharma. How do you deal with counterparts who run late all the time?
Here is another scenario. Grandpa TVS taught me that “your word is your bond.” I try my best to follow “my word is my bond” Dharma. But, even a bond is not a bond for some people. How do you deal with that?
How do I apply Grandpa TVS’ lessons?
What stage of progress (aka chaos) I am in?
Here is what I do to role up Grandpa TVS’ lesson 1 & lesson 2.
I give everybody that I meet a fair chance.
Now, don’t message me with the following: “Ambal, given your mathematical and analytical mind, I bet you have a rating system? Where am I on your rating system?” or “Gosh! Fair chance! Good Vs bad attributes? Are you doing anything conceited?”
I don’t want you to get worked up. Relax.
Trust me, you are doing you own “give fair chance” rating system all the time. You are marking up people. You are putting them in buckets. You are keeping some and chucking some. You have got your own algorithm going. Only thing…you are not telling anybody about it.
Am I right or am I right?
So, on to the story about my algorithm.
I give everybody that I meet a fair chance to start with. What that means is everybody gets a fair start. From there on, I let their behavior drive my marking. I still tolerate BS a lot. Although, now, I am old enough know to spot it from a zillion miles.
If somebody is going up in the rankings, I let them know with words of appreciation.
If somebody is going down, I still give them my best “tolerance” shot. Let us assume somebody is in the far red and they have fallen beyond my “Can’t take this BS anymore” bright red marking.
Then, I decide to hit the eject button. It was painful the first few times I did it.
I am still learning.
I hope somewhere up in heaven, Grandpa TVS is having a field day because he realizes that I am finally getting there.
“You will figure it out as you go.” – Grandpa TVS