On Plethora of Choices

“Choice Theory explains that, for all practical purposes, we choose everything we do.”  ― William Glasser

Sheena S. Iyengar is one of the world’s experts on choice. Her research focuses on: why people want choice, what affects how and what we choose, and how we can improve our decision-making outcomes.

Check out TED videos by Sheena S. Iyengar on The art of choosingHow to make choosing easier

The Ten Axioms of Choice Theory from William Glasser

1. The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
2. All we can give another person is information.
3. All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
4. The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
5. What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
6. We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
7. All we do is behave.
8. All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology
9. All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
10. All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go. – Dr. Seuss

On Moments that become Meaningless

Sometimes, you wait for a moment to arrive.
You work so hard for it.
So hard.

You move.
You move heaven and earth.

You rock.
You rock even hell.

You try.
You try everything possible.

And, then, finally, the moment arrives.
But, alas, it is completely meaningless.
Because, the one, the one that has to be there with you for the moment to be fulfilled is a 1000 miles away.

Hence, you let the moment slide.
Because, it has become completely meaningless.

So, you stand in the beautiful sunny day enjoying the warm rays.
Then, you take a long nap in the afternoon and just let the day pass you by.

Because, after all, it is just another day.

On Showing the Ropes

Amma was just the nagger.
Appa was always the one.

He didn’t expect me to do anything he didn’t do himself.

I vividly remember this one science test (on the topic of bonding and cement) where I had to get up early in the morning to study. Amma was sleeping to glory.

In the wee hours of the morning, Appa woke up, then woke me up, made coffee for me and sat down on the sofa.
I poured over the books. Appa’s head started bobbing and he was nodding off to sleep.
I begged him. “Appa, please, you need some rest. Why don’t you lie down on the bed or alteast the sofa.”
He wouldn’t lie down. He just sat there, bobbing his head to show his unwavering support for me.

It is not like I made a conscious decision saying “I am going to be there for the kids. I am not going to expect them to do anything that I couldn’t or wouldn’t do myself.”

I think Appa imbibed it in me without him or me consciously realizing it.

I am quite surprised when parents expect for the kids to do things they have never done or wouldn’t dare to do for themselves. Don’t be one of those.

Show them the ropes…literally and figuratively.

And, speaking of bonding and cement, Appa showed and made me mix cement, sand and water in the right quantity to use for construction.

On Brothers

There is a saying in Tamil that my buddy Charles reminded me of a few years ago.

It goes like this – “Thambi odiyan padika anjan.”
It means – “If you have a brother, then you don’t need to fear even war.”

I often remind the boys of this saying.

Today, Adi feel asleep as I was driving him back from school.
As I parked at home, he was still out of it and was slowly raising from his nap.
So, Ari proceeded to pick up Adi’s very heavy backpack along with his own backpack and lunch bag.

I don’t know what the boys will do if and when they face war.
But, I think that it is good enough if they know to help each other out with the lil things in life.

On Death & Survival

Picture this.

As far as you can see on the horizon, there is green paddy fields. The paddy is swaying wildly in the strong winds that are howling through your ears. Thunder starts rolling. The sky is darkening with black clouds as she is crossing the fields and heading back home in a rush. She is careful as she rushes…because she is carrying precious cargo in her womb. She pauses for breathe under a tall straight lean tree and hoping she can get back home before it starts pouring.

That is when lightning strikes that tree, rages through the trunk, cuts through it like a sharp razor and splits it in half. Sparks fly off. She screams and holds on to our womb in a instinctive movement that humanity has perfected neuromuscularly to protect its off spring.

That is one of the first stories of my early life that she told me over and over again. She instilled deep strength and incredible power within me by highlighting the fact that even lightning couldn’t hurt me.

She called me “A survivor”.

That is what I told myself over and over again as I grew up and struggled through every curve ball that life threw me and every time I got lost – “I am a survivor.”

That is what I told myself when life threw me into dark pits that I had to claw myself out of – “I am a survivor.”

She also said that that stormy day on the fields, the dark sky eventually cleared and the sun came out, shone bright and made the rain drops on the paddy fields sparkle like diamonds.

Over the last 4 decades she reminded me (her Leo daughter) to look up hopefully at the sky during the dark stormy times because the bright sun (Leo) will eventually appear.

On Sunday (July 30) evening, it was a bright beautiful sunny day with clear blue skies.
There were no dark clouds.
There was no lightning.
There was no storm.

Well, except for the storm that raged in my heart which was filled with grief and sorrow.

I looked at her lifeless beautiful face. I moved my face to her heart hoping it would rise and sink rhythmically.

Perhaps, this was just a bad dream that I could wake from.
Perhaps, if I remembered what she said and, if I looked up at the sky with hope…. perhaps, the storm in my heart would pass.

So, I moved my gaze from her heart and looked up at the bright sky. Tears welled up. I knew she would hate to see me crying. She wanted me to be always dignified…no matter what the situation was. I tried to keep my eyes dry.

I told myself over and over again – “I am a survivor.”

I gathered up every ounce of strength in the body, mind and soul that she had blessed and nourished me with.

And, then, I did the unthinkable.

The one that gave me life,
The one that cooked and fed me all my favorite food,
The one that strived hard to give me the great equalizer (education) of all,
The one that shared her love for prose and poetry with me,
The one that urged me to live a happy and good life filled with positivity,
The one that held me inside her womb for 9 long months,
The one that carried me in her heart for the last four decades,
The one I called Mommy,
THE ONE,
I fed her to the fire and watched her be consumed by it.

The crematory played Poet Vairamuthu lyrics that my brain failed to comprehend (but appreciated) as I sauntered out.

Then, I found a spot under a tree, closed my eyes, focused on my breathe and tried to meditate to soothe my incredibly brave and strong heart that had been ripped apart in places that can never heal during this lifetime.

That is when a gentle breeze came by to brush my cheeks and hair. Mom loved a gentle breeze (called ilan thendral in Tamil) as much as I do. I figured it was her away of trying to soothe me. So, I took the focus away from my pain. I turned my attention to appreciating the breeze, to feeling utter gratitude for her and the moments I shared with her.

My mom, T.S. Devaki, is survived by by a family that adored her, friends whose life she touched and her “survivor” daughter.


Thank you to my dear friends Subashini Ganesan and Punitha Nagarajan who dropped everything to rush to pick me up at the airport and drove me all the way across the state to get me to Daddy as quickly as possible. Even with all rush, Suba remembered to bring a big thermos filled with coffee to perk up my spirit.

Thank you to Chander Thathamanji Jayachander Uncle for rushing to spend the last few moments with his cousin (Mom) and bringing a beautiful and fragrant flower garland to adorn her.

Thank you to my brother in law Srinivasan Nagarajan (and his family) for rushing to be with Daddy and me and for carrying Mom during the last rites ceremony.

Thank you to my sister’s family members Karthikeya Sivasenapathy who have moved heaven, earth and everything in between to not only provide care for Mom but also arrange for a beautiful funeral ceremony for her.

Thank you to Chittapa (Daddy’s younger brother and Mom’s cousin) and Chitthi for being my pillars of support during these last few days and guiding Daddy through all the funeral proceedings.

Thanks to Kumar Nagarajan for rocking the airline reservation system to get me across the globe to be with family.

Friends – My heartfelt thanks to all of you for the outpour of your condolences messages. I am sorry that I have been unable to return each of your messages personally… please know that I deeply appreciate all of your thoughtfulness and encouraging words.


The crematorium played a Poet Vairamuthu song that soothed my heart last Sunday evening. But, due to my grief, I couldn’t comprehend or remember the words. I asked many folks who attended the funeral for the lyrics…but they didn’t know it.
One of the drivers who had brought me to the crematorium, drove me around town last week. I asked him if he remembered the lyrics. As luck would have it, he is a poetry lover like me. So, he did remember the lyrics. The song is called “Jenmam niRaindhadhu

Lyrics and meaning here.

Even if you don’t understand a single word of Tamil, the pathos in the song will evoke healing in your heart.