On Playfulness and (Not) Counting Pennies

Do you play?
No…seriously.
Do you play around and be kiddish?Do you get on the swing in the park?
Do you chase somebody around the house?
Do you make funny noises with kids?Well….while you are thinking about those questions…here is yesterday’s story.

We were in the ortho office yesterday evening. I took Ari in at 4pm for his appointment. Kumar and Adi showed up promptly at 4.30 for Adi’s appointment. The orthodontist was running late.

Kumar said he was thirsty.
I handed him a water bottle that I had picked up in the refrigerator in the front desk.
He took one sip out of it.
Adi started cracking some jokes.
Kumar spit-taked and turned around and started splashing the water from the bottle on Adi.
They started laughing their head off like only 2 crazies can do.

I started yelling – “STOP you idiots. This is not home. The Dr is going to walk in any minute now.”
They turned around and looked at me seriously.
They shook their head like I usually do when I am saying in my head “Hopeless. These crazies.”
They looked at each other and said “Ok…let us stop. This is not good. We are not home.”
Then, still with their serious look on, they turned towards me and proceeded to start splashing me with water.
I got up and waved my hands around in a deadly way.
That is when the orthodontist walked in.
And, you guessed it right.
He joined the boys and started laughing his head off too.

I swear…if I had a penny for every time these 2 rascals threw things at each other..

If I had a penny for every time my boys made me happy with their silly jokes, playful antics, big hugs, unsolvable riddles, non step pestering (remember, we are mere mortal…we all feel good about being “needed”) ..oh, I swear, I could be a very rich gal.

Well, on second thought, who cares about being a very rich gal anyways.

I would much rather count their jokes, antics, hugs, riddles…rather than count pennies. I could take all their pestering and some more…and pester them back non-stop.

Coming back to my questions – Do you play and be kiddish? Do you?

Give yourself permission to be a kid.
It is ok.
Go ahead.
Do it.
Even when there is a stern figure waving their hands at you in a deadly way.

Life is too short to listen to stern figures.

 

On Semblance of (In)-Sanity

One has been down with the flu the last 7 days.
One has been arguing with me like I have never been argued with.
One has been goofing away and completely ignoring every statement I make.

There is nothing as madenning as living with 3 boys. They drive me completely nuts.

It is a complete mystery to me how I can still retain a semblance of (in)-sanity and can laugh through it all.

BTW, the boys will convince y’all that I am the one that drives them nuts. Don’t believe them.

That is all I have to say for today.

On Feeling Sadness and Finding Healing

The boys were out of the house for a couple of hours yesterday morning. I should have just napped and caught up on much needed rest. Instead,as always, foolishly, I tried to get through my never ending list of todos.

I filled the house with music. No upbeat peppy songs. Somehow, something lead me to play some sitar and flute music. As the music streamed through my laptop, I went about chores and todo list.

We all store up pain and sadness in our hearts…we lock them away carefully. And, it is quite amazing how the right music evokes all that sadness back. Today’s sitar and flute music, possibly touched the innermost sadness and pain in my heart.
I went through a range of emotions.

Have you noticed how the early morning is shrouded in darkness? Then the sunlight starts clearing up that darkness.
In the beginning it is just a streak of light and a lot of darkness.
Then that streak grows, just a little at a time, until the day dawns…and, it is as if the darkness never even existed in the first place.

That is what the sitar and flute music did to me today. They flew into my heart, just a little at a time, until the sadness was all lifted…..and, it is as if, the pain never even existed in the first place.

Have you experienced this feeling?

I realized that despite every pain that I have endured, I have to feel grateful for my life.

I am always in awe of the musicians that have the power to make music that reaches the innermost corners of our heart.

Here is to all the pain and sadness that you and I endure.
And, here is to all the healing that has happened and will happen.

Read this aloud to yourself…slowly and as if you really mean it.
“In our darkness, there is no darkness
With you Oh Lord, the deepest night is clear as the day.”

May peace prevail in the innermost corners of your heart and mine.

Om Shanti.

On Pain

“chinnach chinna thoalvigaL kaettaen
seekkiram aaRum kaayam kaettaen”

I asked for small failures.
I asked for wounds that heal fast.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. – Khalil Gibran

Pain is not a bad thing.
Emotional pain.
Physical pain.
None of that is bad.

For life to be birthed, there is pain involved.
For muscle to be built, there is pain involved.
For us to work through loss, there is pain involved.

We all go through life with moments when our hearts swells.
We also go through moments that break our heart.
We pull through that because we finds ways to cope through that pain.

We all deal with sadness in our one way.
Some of us seek company.
Some of us seek solitude.

Some of us mask our pain.
Some of us wear it like a badge of honor.

Some of us shed tears.
Some of us smile through it all.

Whatever method we choose, we cope through sadness and pain.

Pain gets a bad wrap. But, it is beautiful.
Pain is part of life.

Pain is what gets us through the tough challenges in life and make us stronger……physically and emotionally.

Pain always makes us to do the Phoenix Rising from the Ashes act…over and over again.

So, here is to pain.
Embrace it. And, allow it to heal you.

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself. – Walter Anderson

Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave. – Mary Tyler Moore

The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you’re in control of your life. If you don’t, life controls you. – Tony Robbins

There is no birth of consciousness without pain. – Carl Jung

Turn your wounds into wisdom. – Oprah Winfrey

On Nirvana – It is not a place. It is a moment.

Nirvana (in Buddhism) is a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents the final goal of Buddhism.

I have been chasing Nirvana for many years now.
Did you notice the inherent problem with that stupid statement I made?
Nirvana is an indescribable state.
Nirvana can’t be chased.
It has to be attained.

I have been reading everything there is in books on science, philishophy and religion to understand and attain Nirvana.
I have to tried to read everything there is on the science of the brain, breathing, stillness, meditation and have implemented all those ideas and tried to hack myself into the Nirvana state.

Alas…it has been in vain.
I do find some quiteness here and there.
I do put myself in the violet mediation zone at the drop of a hat.
I do do that.

But, Nirvana evades me.
It plays hard to get.

That said, in the last few days, I got a taste of how Nirvana feels though.
I walked on beaches and stared at the waves.
I didn’t know where the blue sky ended and the blue ocean started.
I quietened my body, my mind and my soul.
As I stared at the ocean waves, I found the same feeling that I do when I climb mountains.

I found calmness come over me as I marveled at the grandeur of where I am placed  on this planet. Of how huge this planet and cosmos is…and how small of a speck I am.
As I contemplated on that, and I stared at the waves, I got a taste of Nirvana.

I hear you asking – “Ambal – So, how was it? What was Nirvana like?”

I would do such a poor job of describing that Nirvana state to you.
So, I am not even going to try. But, I will tell you this much.

I was “in the moment” without a thought in my head as I stared at the endless blue ocean and blue sky.

And, I think that “being in the moment” made all the difference.

You go ahead. Be brave. Find your Nirvana.